Stay classy, Indiana!

I usually don’t talk about political shit here, but I’m making an exception today. We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming of babies, running and beer tomorrow! 

I was going to write my own scathing editorial about Indiana’s RFRA and Governor Mike Pence, but The Indianapolis Star, the Indianapolis City Council and Indianapolis Mayor Greg Ballard, NCAA president Mark Emmert, GenCon, George Takei, Wilco, Nick Offerman, SNL, Funny or Die, and the CEOs of some of Indiana’s largest employers all beat me to it, and they probably said it better than I could anyway.

Instead I thought we could take a stroll down memory lane and look at some of the other horrible things Indiana has done!

January 2011. Local TV news reporter holds homeless talent competition. We even made The Daily Show for this one.

April 2011. Indiana tries (and ultimately fails) to defund Planned Parenthood. (Remember this one, it’ll become relevant again in 2015.)

October 2012. Indiana’s Richard Mourdock explains how ‘rape is something God intended.’

July 2013. After the Boy Scouts of America officially lift their ban on gay youth, an Indy church ends their sponsorship of a local scout troop.

February 2014. Indiana tries to ban gay marriage, (That legislation was eventually struck down by the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals).

March 2015. Indiana Governor Mike Pence signs the RFRA while hiding in the crawl space under his office.

The very next day. Indiana Governor Mike Pence announces an AIDS epidemic in rural Indiana. (In an area, it should be noted, that has not had an HIV testing center since 2011, when five of the state’s Planned Parenthood facilities were forced to close because of cuts to public health funding due in large part to that 2011 state war on Planned Parenthood.)

Oh, and you can’t buy alcohol on Sundays.

What are some of the stupidest worst things YOUR state and/or country has done? Arizona and Florida, we want to hear from you!

Rampage Run trail 3.5ish

Saturday morning I did the Rampage Run at a park near my house. This was the first year for this race so it was a rather small field, but it was a welcome departure from that clusterfuck of a beer run I did two weeks ago.

I placed fourth female (out of 13) and 16th overall (out of 32), but they mistakenly announced me as the third place female after the race, so my sincerest apologies to the actual third place female who was cheated out of this sweet medal.

And also the third place male.

You got your pick of three courses (novice, intermediate, expert). I chose the intermediate course which turned out to be the longest, 3.55 miles.

I’ve taken my kids to this park hundreds of times and walked all the trails, so the course was pretty familiar. The one thing I didn’t anticipate was the 18 degree temperature at start time.

Look, frost!

The race was extremely well organized and staffed, and the course was so well marked that there was absolutely no possibility of getting lost or taking a wrong turn. (Of course one dude after the race was still bitching about taking a wrong turn.)

The race started about 15 minutes late because the organizers were out on the trails breaking up some of the ice. (In MARCH. Seriously, fuck this place.) We started and finished across a frozen muddy field, which made for some difficult terrain, but on the trails, the ground was dry and the course I ran didn’t have any mud or slick spots. We ran two loops over mostly packed dirt and one short stretch of paved road.

I can’t feel my face!

Anyway, so my clock time was 34:53 – about a 9:50 pace – which I guess isn’t too shabby for a trail race, but I FELT like I was running 8:30s out there.

I hung around after the finish and had some hot chocolate. They didn’t waste any time getting to the awards because everyone was freezing their balls off.

Looks sunny but I swear it was really cold.

I don’t have any other races scheduled until the marathon in November, so right now I’m just base-building. I’m barely reaching 20 miles a week and I hope to be consistently running 25-30 by July/August when training starts for real. Today I ran 7 miles for the first time since Codie was born and averaged about a 9:10 pace. It was really windy and cold but the previous day’s fueling of pizza and popcorn and whisky and beer must have really helped me power through it.

You too can fuel like a pro.

 

what I’ve been up to whilst not blogging

Yeah, so apparently some blogger guy I’ve never heard of quit the internet this week, and he was so important that his departure sounded the official death knell for blogging (even though we all know blogging ACTUALLY bought the farm like two years ago).

It was a helpful reminder to me that I haven’t blogged in a while and I really need to check in with you guys and also make sure I don’t pay for another year of hosting.

I’ll probably try to import my shit back to the free WordPress domain, but while the ads are still running, please reread my post on the differences between bloggers and journalists. Of which I am currently neither. And tell your friends.

So. I haven’t been blogging because I just really don’t fucking feel like it. But I promise you, I have absolutely been living! (You win a Dixie cup of Franzia if you got that reference.) Running is going pretty well. The kids are fantastic. Cute, funny. Fucking brilliant. My husband is Captain Awesome. He gets me. And he’s bonerific. I’m reading more. Volunteering. I got a new, fun haircut and at my last dental appointment, I had no cavities. Also, my latest post on Instagram got more than 20 LURBS, so I guess you could say I’m livin’ the dream…

Running!

I’ve been doing about 10-12 miles a week, but I can’t for the life of me summon the motivation to keep track of my workouts. I run outside sometimes, and other times I run on the treadmill at the gym. I had ONE run that averaged under a 9:00 pace (8:50), but I mostly average in the 9:30s, and I rarely run more than three miles. I’m happy. I’m comfortable. I’m still 15 pounds overweight but I’m feeling better about it every day.

I did sign up for a marathon. (WHAT THE FUCK?!!1!11!) It was new year’s day and there was a sale and it turns out I’m not the only one. But it’s not for nine more months so I have plenty of time to get into shape or drop down to the half (and make it seem like I’m somehow still a badass).

Other workouts!

I fucked up my rotator cuff (overzealous dumbbell chest fly) so I can’t do ANY kind of cross-training, strength work, conditioning or weight-lifting. Seriously. I can barely crack open a beer. It’s excruciating. I sprained the living shit out of my ankle once, and that was worse, but only by a tiny margin. I have an appointment with a sports physician next week though, and I’m hoping he can just saw the fucking thing off, replace it with a bionic arm and we can move on. It seriously hurts so bad like, every time I move. Today I was pressing the lid onto a Tupperware container and it touched a nerve or something and the pain exploded all through me.

Books!

I finished Assassination Vacation. Then I read Baby-led Weaning, Bright-Sided, and now I’m devouring a for-funsies novel by Daniel Silva, The Kill Artist. I read several of his spy novels last year out of chronological order (it didn’t mess them up too much), but now I’m starting from the beginning. They are fantastic, easy-to-read thrillers and so much fun. (And apparently a spy film franchise is in the works.) I also read a 50-pager on potty training but I don’t think that counts.

TV!

We watched the fuck out of Hannibal and True Detective, and now we’re watching a bunch of depressing documentaries (Hot Coffee, Talhotblond, The Bridge, Dear Zachary) until Better Call Saul and The Walking Dead start up. True Detective is now EASILY in my top 5 TV series of all time. (1. Breaking Bad 2. Six Feet Under. 3. Dexter (until it started sucking) 4. Boardwalk Empire.

Beer!

Yes, always. And too many to name. But friend me on Untappd! if you seriously care.

I guess that’s about it.

So what’s been up with you guys lately? 

2014 according to my blog

So when you blog, it’s really important not to let opportunities for page views go unfulfilled, and there’s this big thing at the end of the year about writing the most unique, inspirational blog post reflecting on the year. Shit you accomplished. Resolutions. cute pictures of you doing interesting things. So here’s my version of that, except I’m too lazy to actually reflect so I just threw up a bunch of links to shit I blogged about. ENJOY.

Apparently…

In January, I had trouble finding a good pair of maternity leggings.

In February, I ate a lot of pop-tarts and it was cold outside.

In March, I saw Steve Earle in concert and “ran” a 5k. Baked cookies and ate frosting straight out of the can.

In April, I planted stuff in the garden and had problems with one of my cats pissing on the carpet, and also DGAF.

In May, I got a smartphone!

In June, I complained a lot and then I had a baby.

July. I hardly remember July at all. I didn’t sleep much and my nipples were very tender but I was happy.

In August, I sweat a lot and went on my first postpartum run.

In September, another sleep strike happened and I complained about it.

In October, I took the kids to like, 70 different pumpkin patches, ran another 5k and we flew to Albuquerque.

In November, I ran a Thanksgiving 5k and didn’t wear pants all month.

In December, I started tracking my weekly workouts and beer intake and my toddler turned 3 and got a bike for Christmas. (Codie got teeth).

Total mileage in 2014: 319ish. 

Here’s to an equally inspirational 2015!

survey funsies + post-holiday stupor

Jesus Christ, amirite?

I totally meant to write a blog post before Christmas but then the fams all came in town and now all of a sudden it’s December 28 29.

Here are a few of our best moments, though…

BEER!

We gave her psychedelics for Christmas.

Oh, and a bike.

ALL I GOT WAS THIS DAMN WOODEN CHEW TOY.

So anyway I got tagged in one of those survey/questionnaire blog post thingies the other day (or like, two weeks ago) by Elle who writes a delightful running blog called A Fast Paced Life. She is bright, funny, pretty, and faster than me, so naturally I hate her guts. KIDDING. She passed the award on to me and since I really like to tell people things about myself, I was thrilled.

1) What is my current health related goal?

Health is overrated. I want to drink more whisky.

2) What is my biggest irrational fear?

I’ll be serious for a moment: something bad happening to one of my children. If I read or think too much about the horrible things that happen to children, it gives me anxiety.

3) Do I enjoy wrapping presents?

Fuck no. I suck at it. My husband is better at wrapping presents than I am. Shit, my CAT is better at wrapping presents than I am. I really should have published this post before Christmas.

Look at how I wrapped the shit out of this nothing I got you.

4) What is my favorite cross training activity?

I’ll answer this one with a GIF.

5) If you came to visit me, what would we do?

I’d take you here and get you drunk and then we’d go some place where it is inappropriate to be drunk, like the Vonnegut Library or the Children’s Museum.

6) I have two weeks off work and two round trip plane tickets to anywhere. Where would I go and who would I take?

Somewhere remote where I could be all by myself and sleep, uninterrupted for the whole two weeks. And I would use the extra seat for my gigantic mommy martyr complex.

7) What’s the most embarrassing thing to happen to me during a run or a race? 

I can’t remember anything that awful, but I used to always have to pee during high school cross country races. Sorry, that’s pretty boring. Maybe if I ran a little harder…

8) Three best days of my life? Or at least the top three that come to mind.

The last day of work when you quit a job is always a fun day, isn’t it?

Watching my daughter ride a bike the other day was pretty awesome. The day I found out I was pregnant, and the other day I found out I was pregnant. The days my kids were born. The day I ran that trail half-marathon I did. The day AFTER our wedding when we left for the honeymoon (except for the hangover).

9) Okay, so I HAVE to eat a fast food meal. Which restaurant would I choose and what do I order? 

I eat fast food all the time without anyone holding a gun to my head, but for the purposes of this question, Arby’s beef ‘n’ cheddar with curly fries.

10) Have I ever met a celebrity?

I shared a high school science class with Freddie Prinze, Jr. NPH went to my high school too, but he graduated the year before I went there, so I guess that doesn’t count. I met Steve Earle once, very briefly (brother of a friend of a friend). I hung out with a few of the members of Divine Heresy, circa 2008. Oh! Wilford Brimley. I probably should have listed him first.

“Famous people are just more interesting.”

11) Share a pic of myself in non-workout clothes. 

Here’s me with two of my besties. Obviously this was taken a long, long time ago when I could drink during the day.

I’m the dick who didn’t put her beer down for the photo.

12) If I could choose to have a “do over” and switch careers, what would I choose and why?

Whatever job pays the most money for the least amount of work.

13) If I won an Olympic Gold Medal, how do I think I would react? 

Obviously I would be pissed that I didn’t win 19 Olympic gold medals.

14) What do I want for Christmas? 

I like how Elle answered this so I’m going to leave it here for you: “Assuming that this question is about something selfishly personal, rather than being a do-gooder (if it’s the latter, I want justice and fairness in this world), I would love to experience the tasting menu at Per Se.”

And my answer (second to justice and fairness of course) would be lots of sleep for my whole family. I got a Keurig and some tights though, so at least I will be smoking hot and caffeinated.

15) What skill do I lack?

Common sense. The ability to not say all the inappropriate things I am thinking. The ability to not respond to idiot comments and postings on the internet. I’m lazy. I can’t stop cursing. I spend too much time on the internet. Now I’m just naming all my defects. Focus.

Passing on the award to…

Reasonably Suspicious

Cindy

Sonia

Milfy

Oh, you can probably sub in questions that don’t pertain to Christmas. Just make something up.

weekly running and beer wrap-up: ebolarama continues

So last week the plan was to relax on the running in favor of a little more conditioning after a few “run-heavy” days (in quotes because, yeah) left my knees feeling a bit weak. It ended up being A LOT relaxed when the end of the week fell apart in the wake of MORE family illness.

My husband was sick a couple of weeks ago and his main complaint was the worst sore throat he’d ever had in his life. Thursday morning, I woke up with that sore throat (which I still have, but with ZERO other symptoms…weird), and Friday night Kenzie threw up three times, which was traumatic for her (and for me) but seems to have been an isolated incident. No fever, no further symptoms. I have no idea if all these things are related, but we all laid low for the weekend.

The baby is fine.

You people get sick a lot.

Running

I couldn’t do much of it with the sore throat. I really can’t emphasize enough how much it hurts! It is a really sharp, persistent pain that gets worse with thirst/dryness, and doesn’t improve in the slightest with the normal remedies like hot tea, honey and lozenges. Strong beer actually helps a little but only while I am drinking it.

BEER

Six! Wishing I’d had one on Wednesday to make it a full seven but I think we had trouble getting the kids to bed that night or something. Front runner: A three-way tie between the milk stout, the 2X and the Centennial. I took a chance on the Christmas ale, and it wasn’t awful, but I wasn’t a big fan of the spices.

Upcoming

I’m hoping to get out for a run this afternoon, sore throat be damned.

a night in the life and another lackluster week of running and beer

So my days aren’t really that extraordinary. We do kid stuff, eat food, sometimes there is hygiene. But I thought I’d do a “night in the life” post because nights have been hard and I’d like some recognition for that. And I gotta hand it to you working parents out there. I cannot IMAGINE having to go into an office and work all day after a night like the one we just had.

Some of these times are approximations because it’s all a little hazy, but I do distinctly remember that I saw every hour on the clock so I think I’m still somewhat of a reliable narrator.

7:30 Both kids are in bed.

10:25 Lights out for me.

11:00 Codie wakes up. The routine is: wait a few minutes to see if she’ll go back to sleep on her own, then when she (most often) doesn’t, I jump out of bed and rush down the hall to get her before she starts really crying and wakes the toddler up.

12:00 Codie’s up again.

12:24 (I know this exact time because I took a picture) I wake up because the hall light is on and find Kenzie passed out in the doorway. She’s been doing this lately. Sometimes she wakes us up, but sometimes we just find her out there sleeping. It’s kind of sad!

1:25 Codie’s up again. This time she’s wide awake and it takes me an HOUR to get her back to sleep.

3:15ish? I hear Codie murmuring through the monitor but this time she actually goes back to sleep on her own.

4:25 Codie’s up again. I have to go in there but she goes right back to sleep.

5:56 Codie’s up again. I nurse/rock for about 15 minutes and she goes back to sleep.

6:46 Kenzie’s up and in the hallway again. I pull her into bed with me and sort of half-sleep while she watches a cartoon.

7:25 Codie’s up again and we’re all up for the day.

But heeeey, it’s fine! Now that I have adjusted my expectations, I am no longer shocked and dismayed when I don’t sleep. I’ve simply redefined how much “sleep” is in a “night.” Positive vibes!

Fuck positive vibes

Running

I took some extra days off last week due to sheer exhaustion, but ended up with the same mileage because I skipped cycling and weights. My legs felt pretty sluggish on Sunday’s run (I couldn’t get under 10:00 to save my life), and my knees kind of ached on Monday. It was a helpful reminder that I am still overweight and out of shape.

Beer

Some good stuff! Another Green Bullet. Damn, I can’t get enough of that stuff. A Schlafly English Export IPA which I was hesitant to purchase, but turned out to be pretty decent. If you like IPAs but don’t like to get socked in the face with obnoxious amounts of hops, you might like this style. A coffee stout, which tasted like coffee stout. I’d drink it again. And Upland Dragonfly, which I haven’t had in ages and tasted better than I remember.

This week: The plan is a little less running and a little more cross-training. And sleep. Please dear Cthulhu, I need some sleep.

Birthday funsies

So I’ll be back tomorrow with an update on running and beer and probably a little bit more complaining about sleep, but today my blog is dedicated to my eldest daughter who just turned three. THREE.

This was the first year we threw her an actual, real birthday party. Last year we just had a very small family party and the year before that it was just a bunch of grownups sitting around drinking beer and eating cupcakes, so Year Three was a pretty big deal.

We started the day off with presents. Good god, the presents. This kid is going to be absolutely rotten. For some weird reason, Kenzie’s aunt and grandparents think she hung the moon and they love to give her all kinds of presents.

She got an incredible set of building blocks, some Frozen stuff including books, action figures (is that what you call them?) and an Elsa dress (which she has now been wearing for three days straight) and a whole bunch of art supplies to go with the easel that her dad and I bought her.

As you can see we are running out of room in our house for all her shit.

Gender neutral building blocks and a sparkly pink purse.

After she worked up a sufficient appetite from all the building and painting and mess-making, her ladyship was served a feast of chocolate chip Mickey Mouse pancakes.

But no whipped cream because we’re awful parents.

After the baby’s nap, we all drove to the Indianapolis Children’s Museum which is one of the dopest places on Earth for kids and adults alike. (We took her there on her birthday last year too!)

Since Kenzie no longer naps, we had no time constraints and we spent several hours at the museum checking out the ACTUAL EXHIBITS instead of just hauling ass to the playscape and carousel.

Told you, Elsa dress.

Actual Exhibits.

She had such a good time, she passed out cold on the way home which is our worst nightmare these days because we’ve found if she naps for even 15 minutes, she won’t go to bed at night.

That face though.

Day Number 2 of Birthday Number 3 began with the scarfing of more pancakes before we loaded everybody in the car (to the tune of the toddler’s impassioned screams because we cruelly forced her to put on a jacket over her sundress so she wouldn’t freeze to death in the 30 degree temps) and drove to this bouncy place for her birthday party.

Little girls in socks! Can you literally not even??

Sundress with pants because FASHION.

Oh, and there was cake.

Out-of-focus Frozen cake with the ‘3’ already removed because again, awful parents.

And just like that, I have a three year old.

Oh, and just so nobody thinks we re-homed the baby:

Luckily, she had no idea it wasn’t her birthday.

10 holiday dieting tips that really (probably) work

Editor’s note: While I was writing this, it occurred to me that I already had this idea for a blog post like three years ago and some of the items that I was going to put on here today were already there. So I had to come up with all new stupid ideas. You know you’ve been blogging too long when you have the same ideas twice. At least I’m consistent?

Yeah so, I keep seeing articles on the internet about holiday dieting tips so I thought it’d be fun to come up with a few of my own. Of course, when using dieting tips you found on a blog, your only risk is that you will look SMOKING HOT for the holidays and absolutely no other precautions are necessary.

1. I mean, speed. If you can’t get the street variety, try one of those cold medicines you have to show ID for at the pharmacy. And take a lot.

Do seizures also help you lose weight? They couldn’t hurt!

2. Laxatives and/or E. coli. The last time I had explosive diarrhea I lost like 5 pounds. Plus those fever sweats will give you a nice dewy glow.

3. The Paltrow. Your nutrition will be nothing but lemon water and your own smug self-righteousness. You can accelerate things by taking a shot of castor oil (source: GOOP). Beauty hurts.

4. The Papow-trow. It’s the Paltrow but with Red Bull.

5. Just cook really terrible food. The more it looks like your dog barfed onto your plate, the less you’ll want to eat it and pretty soon, it’s Skinnyville: population YOU.

What’s up, Rochester! 

 

6. Hire a personal trainer!

7. Get another job to afford your personal trainer!

8. Have a baby and breastfeed it forever. (Results may vary.)

9. Ebola roller derby.  So. fucking. many. calories.

10. Stop breathing.

Anything I’ve missed? How do you stay trim during the holidays?

Weekly running and beer wrap-up: running on empty

First of all, thanks to those of you who delurked to console me about my sleepless babies! I love you. And despite my incessant whining, I know I’ve got it really easy as a parent. My kids are healthy. They’re not disabled. They’re not psychopaths (as far as I can tell). They’re cute! Not even asymmetrical or goofy looking. They’re pretty much perfect. They just don’t ever want to sleep.

I’m running out of “kill me now” GIFs.

Having said that, it’s been a rough couple of days. When you have a newborn, you expect not to sleep. You just sort of power through it and it’s hard but whatever. The toddler’s sleep strike caught me by surprise, and has left me sort of dumbfounded. On top of that, Codie is cutting her first official tooth, which also caught me by surprise (Kenzie was almost eight months when she started teething). So the babe was up from 2 to 3 and 5 to 6 and just moments after I crawled back into bed, the clock struck Kenzie’s most favorite time of the day, 6:15. And here I am on five hours of sleep. Again.*

So this will be short.

Running

It turns out my mileage is inversely proportional to the amount of sleep I get. I was able to do that five miles I was aiming for and a couple of fours! Running (unlike my brain) felt really good this week.

 

Since I hate lifting weights and can’t bring myself to do it more than once a week, I’m trying to do one cross-training day on the bike. At least until I fit into my swimsuit again.**

Beer

Saturday night I actually got to go OUT with GROWNUPS and have A BEER. After I got home, I had a hell of a time getting the kids to bed again so I treated myself to another one.

The front runner of the week was the Anchor Porter. I remember Soul Ride IPA being a lot better the first time I had it, and wondered if this one was from the same batch and had maybe been sitting on a shelf under harsh grocery store fluorescents for several months. Golden Zoe is from a local brewery, Thr3e Wise Men, and it’s a very decent 6% IPA.

*I do have sympathy for my baby and for her dear sweet tender gummy mouth, of COURSE, but this is a blog about me. If she wants pity from you people, she can start her own blog.

**So like, forever.